I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
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I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Sharon, call the vet
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days