i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
mom gave me mine for free
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse