my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.