*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
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I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
liiiiiiiiike
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.