[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
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People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
what it’s like dating me:
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.