Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?