The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
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cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Dance like you’re not the father
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding