anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
You Might Also Like
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*