Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
You Might Also Like
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
All generalizations are stupid.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.