Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I’ve been drinking.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.