[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
just gave your address to some spiders
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project