The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?