I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.