The new Ring movie looks terrifying
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her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I bet
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers