I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
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I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
When you let grandma cat sit
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours