Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Isn’t
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
October already? What’s next? November????
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.