Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.