secret recipe
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A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Two types of dogs.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”