“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
it was a valiant fight
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.