If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: