Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.