It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
You Might Also Like
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
This tweet has been deleted
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not