thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
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“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Who wants to be my Valentine?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.