Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
i now pronounce you bounced.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me, in DM rooms…
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.