A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
You Might Also Like
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People