When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
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Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.