(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
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Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she鈥檚 more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Mood.. 馃槀
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[leaving a birthday party with my pi帽ata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.