I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.