Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
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mom had nothing to worry about
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.