Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
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My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
This squirrel eats better than I do
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I have many caverns
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat