Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Why is no one talking about this?!
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Happy Taco Tuesday
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles