Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
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Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL