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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
who wore it better?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…