me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
#growingpains
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.