[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
when mom throws a party…
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
“what that mouth do?” complain
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.