How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Those are good neighbors.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment