I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Sponch
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what