Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
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Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Time for evil
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
oh my god
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.