“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
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Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Carpe DM
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Not today, today.
Not today.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Thrilling chase underway