Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.