My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
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Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
The Assassin.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.