Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
do horses think humans are hats
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.