In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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thanksgiving in nutshell
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*mops up wine with cat*
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him