[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
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why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Somebody’s lying.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.