I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I’m not proud
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
S M O L
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?