I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Saw online –
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
U talkin 2 me?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.