Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
a badder mouse
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”