One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Awesome parenting 😂
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.