Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Bill is short for Billiam
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Beware of the “party goblin”…
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”