I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Thoughts
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
calling in to work dehydrated
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse